In the previous post, I discussed the thought process I experienced as I opened a new box of sneakers that took me outside the physical purpose of the shoes and lead me to focus on the spiritual and mental revelations these pair of shoes showed me about my life.
Like I mentioned in the last post, the shoes are surprisingly light. Moving forward into 2014, I want to strive to feel the same way mentally and emotionally: less baggage and more freedom to move and allow the sky to be my limit. It is cliche' but so very true; life is too short. I want to go into the new year lighter so that I can walk, skip, and run farther on my journey than ever before without the unnecessary weight of my past.
I realized that in order for me to fully enjoy the grace God has given me, I had to first accept it. In a series of classes I taught last month at the ladies bible class, I discussed the topic "Saved Through Love". For one of the lessons, I shared how there is nothing that we as humans can do here on earth, no matter how good we think we behave or how great we are at a certain talent, to earn the grace of God. This was a very difficult fact to accept because I was brought up and conditioned to earn acceptance; trying to gain love and approval based on my actions I believe others would appreciate and value. It took me over 7 years in my Christian walk to realize that salvation/deliverance/redemption is truly a gift from my Father above because of His unconditional love for us...for me.
It was in the middle of my lesson that something just clicked, and I felt a huge urge to just release things that have kept me mentally bound. In the process, I am finally learning how much God truly loves me and how much freedom I have access to in His body as long as I
Accept His grace aka His love toward me.
So, I have made up in my mind to heed to my own lessons and truly accept His grace and His love for me. In doing so, I can begin feeling liberated; more able to freely shine my own light regardless of how insufficient I am against my own means. The truth is that I am nothing without God. It is only through his power that I can do anything of good works. It is all for God's glory anyway. I just need to learn how to be His vessel, His sheep, and allow Him to be my Shepherd.
So now that I am learning to accept God's grace, I am learning to be content in my present conditions. This does not mean acceptance is easy but I can rely on the hope that all things will work for good and according to His will which is perfect.
Therefore, with that all said and done, I have decided to accept the following temporary circumstances of my life that I have been allowing to hold me back for so long, understanding that His grace is very much sufficient in all ways and in all things (in no particular order):
- I have accepted that overcoming my anxiety (diagnosed in 2011 along with post-partum depression) is not something I can just snap out of (despite some belief especially within the Church).
- I am learning that therapy, prayer, time, and patience are my keys to recovery, and I have no reason to rush it for anyone or for myself.
- I have accepted that I am free to be myself in my raw form.
- It is in my raw form where God can truly transform me instead of me being so focused on being someone else just to please others.
- No more people pleasing...just people loving.
- I have accepted that in spite of my well-hidden (not so much now) battle with trichotillomania, it does not make me any less beautiful than the next person with his or her own struggles.
- I am more empowered than ever to bring awareness to the disorder and to encourage those who feel that are in the dark about the same disorder and have no support.
- I have accepted the fact that much of my once "seemingly well thought out" will may not be God's will at all.
- I would have never thought I would be a stay at home mom for THIS long. I was supposed to be established in my engineering career, just getting married, and MAYBE having my first child within the next year. Yeah, that was the Kris who had to be in control of EVERY.SINGLE.ASPECT of HER LIFE.
- Note from new self to old self: Sit down.
- As I get older, I realize many of my plans seem to fall in the crack even with the greatest of intentions. Don't get me wrong, planning is good and setting goals motivates and gives one a direction to strive for. However, I had to realize that my goals have to be for the glory of God and not for my own selfish ambitions.
- Although I have seemingly diverted from my original plans, I have learned to lean more of God who knows my end and continue to be prayerful that my will aligns up with His. Lord knows, my life currently seems like some type of twilight zone, but I believe God has something in great for me. Something better than I can ever dream of.
- Sometimes, you need to spend time alone from family, friends, distractions to listen to God. This was where I have been over the past 2 months. It has been during this time that I found true peace in just being me with all my flaws and striving to be used for whatever purpose God has for my life right now. Very freeing experience.
- I have accepted that I am an introvert and that it is okay when I do not have a million and one things to say in words as the extrovert.
- However, I do admit I NEED to work of my communication within most of my relationships. I cannot allow my anxiety to distort the limits of my introvertedness (not a word, I know).
- I have accepted that being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs in the world
- I do not care how many "supermoms" out there who claim to follow their planned schedules and dinner menus to the T every week. It is not easy for me at all. Some days go beautifully and some days just go and that's okay! It is not the end of the world and my daughter has been developing quite well in so many ways that I know it is only God working. I am just thankful for the blessing pf being able to experience watching my daughter grow and stay afloat financially. So many sacrifices have been made just as Christ sacrifice His life for us.
It is amazing how a seemingly menial task of unveiling a pair of new sneakers can evoke such deep thoughts about my life. Truly there are so many big lessons in the small things we often take for granted. Just to think how many are without even one pair of shoes yet before me I have these brand new extra colorful pair of sneakers to condition myself not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, and most of all, spiritually for the new year. Praise God these sneakers have given me a head start both in my mind and heart.
Now it is time for my physical self to take suit. I am not even going to get into the last time I worked out. The evidence is there. ::looks at tummy, thighs, and behind::
With that said, let bygones be bygones. I am thankful for grace, mercy, and second (3rd, 4th, 5th, ...) chances.
Now to gear up for our family's quest to reduce meat consumption and focus more on vegetarian meals for the month of January once we complete our holiday travel.. ::gasp:: Stay tuned!
Happy New Year's Eve and goodbye to 2013! Thanks for all the lessons you have brought. :-)